I had this thought running on my mind just a minute ago, is my presence being taken for granted?

For the record, i know nuts about my boyfriend’s past relationships, the first guy i’ve never asked about anything. They say that sometimes it’s better not to know, but hey, you know sometimes us women are curious cats, it’s just impossible to not wanna know anything. Which led me to think, was he too hurt in his previous relationships to cause such a wall he’s building up or is he really just that?

In some cases, men tend to be hurt from past relationships and thus a protective barrier being portrayed to prevent themselves from getting the same hurt. And because of this, they are not willing to risk being nice and letting down their guard. They will get into the next relationship but with caution, thinking, ” Alien from Venus detected, beware of your actions and how much feelings to put in, too much affection added is toxic.” Of course, this is solely my point of view which i believe most will agree.

Sad to say, the above protective barrier also applies to us women. Furthermore, it wears out as soon as you are comfortable with the person you’re with, after much wear and tear. My point is of course, how do we break through to get to know him better, if he’s just too tough a nut to crack?

Somehow, i resigned my fate to this boyfriend’s character, there’s nothing more i can expect out of him. That’s all, what you see is what you get. Suddenly, i reminded myself with this quote that i abide, loving that beautifully imperfect person perfectly. Now that i brought this up, i’m laughing at myself, why did i make myself so miserable the past few weeks? When i could actually put all these small lil imperfections i’m not satisfied with, put them together and love this beautifully imperfect man that’s perfect for me?

This tough nut, doesn’t express his love to me openly, doesn’t love me the way man love their woman, doesn’t buy me gifts, doesn’t lovey dovey with me, doesn’t spend quality time with me (note: men and women have different views on the term “spending time”). For all i know, he loves me in his heart, only he knows it and with exception that once in a blue moon, he lets me know. This, is my boyfriend, the one that i can still love despite the odds.

Today, i’ve hit another level of enlightenment from Aunt Agony trapped in a male body.

Here’s some facts for us women to face it (from the men’s point of view):

1. Spending time with you; next to you, i don’t need to talk or do anything, i’m spending time with you even when it’s doing nothing.

2. When someone else does ask him out, it appears as a “break” from you. So it you ask him out, it might appear to him that he’s still gonna be doing it with you regardless if you two go out or stay home, so he chooses to stay home.

3. To openly discuss emotion would be seen as a sign of weakness or “less of a man”, also it will make them feel like they are being attacked.

4. I just wanna shut up and leave it alone, hoping that you’ll forget about this and not to find fault with me again.

5.  I’m working and spending almost everyday with you and now i can’t even go ________ *insert activity*or  do something when i want to?  (Kinda linked with point 3.)

6. When guys go out with other guys, it’s a “guy’s outing” thing, whereby they can let their guard down and unleash the vulgarities, and whatnot that they don’t think falls nicely on female ears. Therefore, the “situation” doesn’t allow us girls to come along.

7. They have violent guy friends who can’t accomodate to your slow gaming, so it’s better you don’t tag along even if you know how to play that game. Unless you know you’re much better than them?

There you go, lucky seven to be aware of. Plenty more i suppose, these are the few i’ve came to know about and am trying to accept it. Nonetheless, the above mentioned are talking about majority of the men out there, how they behave and think up there. If your men falls in the minority group, good for you, you found the close to perfect guy.



I tried to fit into your circle of friends, i took the effort to learn games. Soon after i took up BlackShot, the trend is just over so soon. That soon that i’ve not even gotten the seat warm.I tried to even play other games but to no avail, it’s just too complicated.

And because of this, i feel left out, by everyone. I feel like i don’t belong.

No lan gaming for December? I can see how true is that. Rescheduling your work just to play games. You would be mad at me for saying these, but am i wrong? Deep down in your heart, am i wrong for saying these? I’m just mad beyond words. I expressed my unhappiness but you just pretend it never happened.

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Disclaimer : I’m not mad because you went out with your friends, but because, you set the rule for us, for yourself, and you broke it.

Despite not taking advantage of this fact that i’m like a rubber band, really stretchable, there is also a possibility of it snapping. I believe that i’m almost on the verge of snapping but it takes a lot to make me break. Prolong usage, there’s nonetheless some small tear in my circular band. These are times where i actually cried and take huge amounts of deep breaths.

I don’t cry like a crybaby, to make me cry, you actually succeeded in making me feeling futile. To men, women cry just to get that sympathy and to make a mole out of an ant hill. I don’t deny that there are women like such out there, likewise, there are those who shed tears because it’s truly hurting of the way things are escalating. I am one example.

Reverse psychology used to be my fight back, and thinking back, it’s silly why i even thought of doing it.

Couples quarrel and make up, and this is one ride i’m taking right now. Making up? No, i guess we just move on. It’s unhealthy yes, but it’s actually happening.

My best friend told me, when you actually wanna sit down and have a heart to heart talk, the other person actually would feel that he/she is being attacked. So tell me, how can we ever talk about what’s obstructing the progress when he/she doesn’t take that mindset away?

I’ve never been able to get my point through to you, and this, is my fault because i never dared to speak up. Yes, i’m a coward. To help me, i would sincerely appreciate if a man would put down his ego to let us address the prick in the relationship. Because, before you know it, similar arguments might just surface up again, yes, again.

I believed that my numerous relationships in the past, failures, have taught me what to expect, what not to do and so on. I would’ve been someone much better for you if you wouldn’t put up such a strong wall, i care enough to knock this wall down to understand you better. That’s how i get myself to love you for who you are, the person behind this wall, if you let me in.

Not addressing the focus of our arguments at the start was my fault, i kinda just shun it off too because i don’t wanna spoil the weekend or whatsoever. Now, i face the consequences. I don’t get the chance to turn it around the right way.

Sometimes, just sleeping it off helps, i normally wakes up feeling better. We put on a smiling face, crack each other up and pretend it never happened. Sounds familiar? The reality is arguments with relation to the issue is still there, comes back right there in your face when you least wants it to. It just slaps you back and says, “You deserve it!”

I fail to be the person i want to be, i’m a coward. And if  i could have one Christmas wish this year; that is to clear this prick up before we move on together to a better year 2011, with my hand still in yours.

I have alternatives to choose from but i chose just this one, this one guy that i’m willing to be with through any tough times.

The absence for that week itself made my heart grew fonder, and boy was i so elated to have him back on the bed beside me everynight. After work, i’m always held up with work of my own, sticking to the lappy.

So today, i thought, maybe we could do something together at home. But the response i had wasn’t very spontaneous, i had to understand the emotions he’s displaying. Somehow, i just wish we could do more small lil things together.

It just makes me happy, makes us happy.

Sometimes i run, sometimes i hide, sometimes i’m scared of you. But all i wanna do is hold you tight, treat you right.

Almost immediately that night, i suddenly felt the bed was so empty, so big. Funny thing is every night, i kept to my side, unlike my usual sleeping-over-to-his-side habits. This feeling is so different, so different from those ldr’s. I’m still trying to figure out what’s this i’m feeling, is it that i’m missing him? Is it that i’m longing him? Is it something’s breaking out from a habit or routine? Is it love?

Still clueless, and so i derived that this feeling is something that’s what makes me yearns for more, makes me cherish everyday, every moment and every single bit of it. Asking myself, if i’m always too contented with life? I don’t deny, i do at times. Nevertheless, i strive to work and push myself harder and achieve what life allows me to, at greater heights.

It is not because of love, i experience what i’m feeling now. It is far beyond that, it is this fuzzy yet heavy feeling that i still can’t find a word for.

I had this really empty feeling night last night, i just went right to bed since afternoon all through to the next morning, sleeping them through. It was just this night..

Bond, that special tingling thing, it should be the word. This bond, it amazes friends around us, the way we do things, the way we “date”, the way we act, the way that not many would go to spice the relationship up, this twist and turn that came to be our special bond. Not that i don’t see a future, but i live this present with no regrets, living it to the fullest. Because, i know i still wanna hold his hand for every tomorrow that comes.

Being such an expressive person in written context, many times, i would also like to know how’s it inside of him. It’s an unspoken amount of love, from a man i know who loves me. Tell me then, for i would like to find out, more than just those three words. Even though i know that this love needs no speaking, it would be sweet to read something really expressive, like a love letter, for i will be here to read them whenever you’re ready.

Anyways, i’m awaiting for monday evening, for the embrace i’ve been longing for..
Til then, signing off with love.

And just, i took things in a different way. Almost suffocated, breathing in only my anger, sadness and injustice, i went for a breather, out of what i call my second home.

Spending $11.30, sitting at a dark corner where i think no one would notice, i let my emotions run wild. Indeed, my mind was clear after playing a few songs that i categorized under “that” playlist.

Now it made me think, when did i ever had a quiet time for myself, just like that? Always confessing my what-guys-think-are-nothing-of-that-big-deal problems to my closest confidante, sometimes, they are just not there for me. I don’t expect them to be. And for some people, i just refuse to let them know.

Saying sorry seems to be my forte, whether is it my fault or not, i always do. I presume, it’s because of my tendency of making the first move, the chances of me hearing it instead are lesser. It’s a guys thing nonetheless. No doubt, this time i did it again, for the fact that i know i’m partly to be blamed.

Tell me, what about the other half of sorry? I don’t expect one, but i would appreciate if some sort of sorry gestures would be very nice.

I should be fine, i will be fine. Because what happens today remains here and that’s it. I know tomorrow when i wake up with you beside me, we’ll turn to each other and say good morning with that usual smelly breath.

And if by any once in a blue moon chance you read this, i just want you to know how i feel at times like this. That shall be it, we shall forget this and let it live only today.

I wanted to talk about my brother. I wanted to talk about work. I wanted to talk about life. But i never got it done.

10.50am, i’m feeling rather listless now. Even though i had 6 hours of sleep, it never seemed enough. Days at work are starting to be monotonous, only once in awhile when people from the kitchen brighten up my gloomy days at work with the most ridiculous things.

Every workplace has their own politics, mine’s no doubt. So much that most of the time, the way things work, people work, affects my mood at work. Now, i just wanna find a comfortable position to sit and write about this but at the same time i feel some high authority person breathing down my neck.

It isn’t really right for me to talk about work in the world wide web, people get into trouble for doing so.

One category of superiors that i despise, those who only emphasize on company’s profits and cost savings, not equally balanced with worker’s welfare. A bunch of hardworking fellas, fast and efficient, initiative and willing to slave. One after another, each start falling sick, because of the continuous long hours.

And they start pondering after witnessing the peak periods for a reasonable amount of time.. the pressure and work load amounts to a not so reasonable price to satisfy the thirst of these workers. Second thoughts started appearing..

I’m only halfway into this and i think i’ll continue this another time. It is very abrupt and out of nowhere. But at least, i finally wrote it down.

Besides, i’ve been busy with looking for part time during the past few weeks. babysitting and other adhoc side jobs. Until a week ago, i finally got a notice on my commencement of new job which i awaited since September. I was bumming around for a period of time, but slowly go out of it by heading to the gym for classes,

and my recent favourite,

A gym member since late January, with the intention of going for classes, i never made it to any of them because of work and also partly because the shy part of me emerged. The classes weren’t for beginners but those learn as you go along. So i took this first step in late October, i always wanted to try step classes, and so i did. Picking up was one thing, i enjoyed the class for the music and the instructors despite a few wrong steps here and there, it wasn’t so bad afterall!  What’s more, i found out that every BodyStep class in the month of October was dedicated to the awareness for Breast Cancer, i was proud to be stepping for it.

Once i started this routine, i began relying on classes instead of doing usual cardio routines on my own. Nonetheless, it was said that each class burns about 400 calories, and a substitute for someone who doesn’t like running on treadmills for an hour. Sweating it out is not an option, adrenaline rush and everytime i get out of the class, i looked like i just got out of shower! The next class on the waiting list, could prolly be beginners’ yoga, a class for me while recuperating muscle aches and strains. Ohm…..

I went for a Typhoid jab this morning, wasn’t as bad as i had imagined but i’m feeling the numbness on my arm. I hate and am afraid of jabs on me, i don’t know if i can even classified that under a phobia. A seriously sidenote, i’m pretty hungry right now, and i crave for Japanese food especially. I even had the temptation to pick up the phone and dial for any yummy food delivery.

Anyhow, today is the 24th, marks our 7th month, isn’t a big deal but i just like to be aware of the time passing by, still holding hands.

I love my boyfriend ♥

P.S. I’ll update as and when i think i have the blogging vibes in me, it’s not dead. (:

22 years, sounds like a long long period of time, brought along with tears and joy of their ups and downs throughout their marriage. This word, marriage, brings fear to many people, mostly men. To them, in layman terms, lifelong commitment and possibly, a foot stepping into their grave.  To us women, or at least to me, it’s just an upgrade of my relationship level with my man. I see that being in a relationship is already a commitment, of  myself and my actions, to him. It speaks no great difference from marriage. What distinguishes it from a dating relationship are children and perhaps, a joint account?  Oh, i might also see it as a lifetime contract, with no regrets.

And yes, i do view it as a permanent mark in my life, which there’s no turning back, where “divorce” doesn’t appear in my dictionary. I must also admit, that i’ve thought about marriage with someone, not once, but twice. You know, having those thoughts about your future with the other half, house, babies, finances and so on. Unfortunately, back to facing reality, all these are just day dreamings of maybe, your own wishful thinking.  Honestly, how many times have you thought about your future and it actually worked out the way you wanted it to? 

Here comes the part, someone will tell me, ” You gotta work for it, put it in action and not just words.” Because i had a taste of my own blood when i fell, i never dare dream about what’s to become of many years down the road. I wake up and i face today, that’s what i’m given and i live it to the fullest even though i have gloomy days with frown and frustrations. By not pinning my hopes too high, the chances of me getting too disappointed will definitely be much lesser. 

 I’m thankful of course, that i’m not married yet, not to those who let me down. It’s not about the period of time you get along, but about whether the time is ripe and when both are ready, for what they are about to face with hands held together through thick and thin. Marriage, again, is a sensitive topic amongst most men and in some cases, women. They get cold feet, backing out last minute and all sorts of scary thoughts starts overwhelming them, with that lil devil at the side playing mind tricks.

What i would say to be a good time to consider it, would be after at least a year or two of cohabiting, knowing your partner’s habits, temper and living lifestyle, inside out. It’s something like a test of boiling point and climax, if you pass it, go ahead. This is especially good for revealing the ugly true colours that you don’t get to see in just that few hours of everyday dating. Why i emphasize on this is because, times are definitely different now. We don’t have a choice in the past and married couples see a total different side of themselves after moving in together, after marriage. That’s when some of them start questioning themselves, “Is he/she really the one?”

Of course, the above mentioned, are just my point of views, you’re welcome to think otherwise and disagree with me. But i’m sure, in some point, i’m right. 

My parents, from what i see, no longer share the love they used to share during their dating days or perhaps the honeymoon period of their marriage. What keeps them together is most probably us, their children. During these years, i’ve witnessed my parents falling out and a few times, jeopardizing their marriage.

Right now, i still have my parents together, for these 22 years they braved through the obstacles together, husband and wife, they remain still. My mom, tolerated my dad’s moment of follies, my dad, stood by my mom throughout her most down period of 2006. I believe, there’s still a lot for them to learn on how to spice up this rusty love. They are making some slight effort though, a little goes a long way.

I wished them happiness and love, till the hair turns white and smiling with fake dentures.